Sunday, June 12, 2011

Origin of Hunza People: NASA Research

Author: Sajid I. Barcha

In a rather surprising turn of events, one of the biggest and most difficult questions in human history have been apparently answered. In a recent scientific research, NASA has discovered that Hunzai people are in fact descendents of some outer-space aliens whose Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) crashed behind Ultar Peak partly because of bad weather, and partly because the pilots were drunk.

Some ruins of this UFO discovered in 2002 at the roof of Hunza Darbar hotel, which were previously mistaken for a broken dish antenna, have indicated towards the truth of this claim. A famous historian in Baltit by the name of Salman Kapoor has identified these unidentified pieces of metal as Unidentified Flying Objects.

"Since the Darbar hotel is something people of Hunza take pride in, the circular shaped ruins of UFO on its roof became a symbol of pride. People in Hunza somehow managed to erect these symbolic UFO's on their rooftops. If you go on to the top of Baltit Fort and look down, you can see how proud we are of our ancestry, you will not see a roof without this UFO symbol"
A reseacher at BRA (Brusho's Reclaiming Ancestory) in his book "me menik baan? (who are we?)" page 92-93

When asked how did these ruins from behind Ultar end up at roof of Darbar Hotel,  the BRA researcher said that it was a windy day, and then asked me whose side I was taking. 

A UFO flying over Ultar. (taken 1931)

According to the research paper published by NASA (Northern Areas Student Association), these aliens got stuck in this place with no machinery to make their way back to their home, which is, according to a cautious estimate, situated at a distance of 2.5 million light years from Earth; way outside the so-called Milky Way galaxy.

This discovery answers many questions which had baffled human minds everywhere on Earth for thousands of years. The Brushaski can be thus said to be an outer-space alien language, this claim can be supported by the fact that Brushaski language's roots have not been identified in any of languages on planet Earth.

In a book titled "Spiritual Science", the father of the term "Hunzai" states that aliens are people from other worlds who have advanced magnificently in spirituality and reached its peak. Interestingly, many people who consider themselves great students of the author of this book, refer to him as someone who has "reached the peak of spirituality".  Does this mean, he has finally turned into an alien? Is it mere co-incidence that he was the first person to use this name "Hunzai" along with the given Earthly name? Moreover, he also helped found Brusho's Reclaiming Ancestry. When we connect the dots, another mystery solves itself.

The Alien ancestors of "Hunzai Tribe" have continued to keep a fatherly eye on Hunza. A few hundred years ago, Mir of Hunza faced an odd situation. He was sterile and thus had no child who could be his heir. At this point, the aliens gifted him what we today know as "Ayashulum Ayasho", who grew up to be throned the next Mir of Hunza. Mir Ghazanfar Ali Khan, who mistakenly thinks he is from Macedonia, is therefore actually an alien from outer-space, and therefore, has a strange voice. 

An 'inquiry committee' was formed back home to find out what happened to the disappeared UFO that came on a spy mission to earth. Three members of the committee, namely Azur Jamsheed, Barcha Mamusing, and Reel-e Ramal were sent to take a look at the crash site. Unfortunately, these three Dewako aliens could not resist to a plate of Pota Kaleji, cooked with Shan fry gosht masala. They gobbled it up sitting on boulders on the bank of Gilgit River, without realizing that it was forbidden to them because it would take away their heavenly outer-space powers. And thence, the heavenly powers were taken away. Azur Jamsheed would stay in Gilgit on to free people of Gilgit from the dictatorship of Shiri Badat, who was another Alien predator from outer-space whose UFO had crashed near Kargah nala. While Barcha and Ramal would go to conspire against the Mir of Hunza by settling in Ganish, and failing to do so.

All this fantastic discovery uncovers another prevalent tendency in Hunza people, that is, the tendency to use the word 'Dewako' a bit too often. Some of them are even using this word as their screen name on Facebook, while others repeatedly mentioning the word in their poetry to define beauty and refinement. 
 It is indeed a historic moment, that today we have finally discovered our roots which lie beyond Hunza, beyond Persia, and beyond Macedonia. This fact had always been in the back of our heads, we knew it sub-consciously that we, the Hunza people, ought to be something special, something out of this world, literally, but never had realized it so explicitly that we are aliens from outer-space, much like how everybody knew apples fell down because of something, but Newton came up with 'gravity'. 

I congratulate all the Hunza people on this day of awakening.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Talking Knees: Schizophrenic Rebublic of Bakistan.

Author: Nadeem F. Paracha

Want to be a successful TV anchor and talk show host in Bakistan? The following is what you need to know …

A modern-day Babylon. Run by evil men whose bloodlines are linked to epic, evil characters such as Sodom & Gomorra and Gog & Magog.  Can be a nice place to visit though, for a personal trip.
Amreeka has a very powerful Jewish lobby that constantly plots against Bakistan. This wicked lobby’s members have just one motive in their sorry lives: the destruction of Bakistan, thus Islam, thus Haji Zion Hamid.
Amreeka is also the diabolical modern embodiment of the medieval Christian crusades against innocent (but brave Muslims); using drones instead of horses, dollars instead of swords, Mickey Mouse instead of the Pope and Marlboro Reds instead of ritual burnings. Not a bad place though, for your close relatives working (or living on welfare) there.
Amreeka is at the centre of whatever goes wrong in the Islamic Emirate of Bakistan. Everything coming from them, including financial aid, needs to be judged, denounced and rejected. That being said, advertising from Amreekan banks and multinationals on your channel is fine.
All political analyses should begin with the words: ‘Amreeka kya chahta hai?’ (What does America want?) – even if the analysed issue has to do with the vanishing lids of manholes in Lahore’s Anarkali area.
Bad mouthing Amreeka is a must – a prerequisite of becoming a TV news anchor and talk show host. Those who fail to do this should be suspected of being part of the modern Christian crusade against Bakistan, thus Islam, thus famous tarot card reader, Dr. Shahid Fasaad.
However, it is okay, to borrow some of their helicopters to help flood victims in Sindh and the Punjab. Nevertheless, you must insist that the government – usually full of Amreekan slaves – be careful. These ’copters may actually be shape-shifting Free Masons spying on the breeding cycle of the blind dolphins of River Indus. Any dolphin seen cooperating with the Amreekans should be turned into halaal sushi.

Aafia Siddiqui
Below is the objective bit with which TV anchors/hosts should begin their analysis of Aafia’s case:
A harmless, petite Bakistani woman who went to Afghanistan on a bird-watching trip where she was kidnapped by Blackwater agents for attempting to kill two birds with a rock. She was then handed over to Amreekan slaves in Bakistan who sold her to Amreeka, who sold her to the Jewish lobby who put her in jail (a filthy bird cage) and sentenced her for 1,886 years in jail,. Oh, the outrage, the outrage, revolution, revolution, Allah-ho-Akbar, Allah-ho-Akbar …
For the subjective bit however, we recommend you bite and swallow some cyanide capsules live on air.

A usurping monolithic institution that can be criticised on TV for its deeds in the 1960s. You will have to wait another 20 years though, to criticise it for its deeds between the 1970s and 1990s. However, as a TV anchor/host, freedom of media in Bakistan demands that you stick to Zardari’s ‘corruption’ and Amreeka’s conspiracies.

An Urdu word for wisdom/intelligence/reason. Usually used by slippery secularists and atheists to soften their Godless tripe. Should be rejected outright.
The rejection of aqal is really good for ratings too. The famous religious scholar, Jahil Liaquat’s show, Dunce Online, is a good example. He is right. Aqal is a clever ploy by secularists to turn manly Muslims into pansy vegetarians and persuading women to move out of the kitchen and join offices or worse, the gym. Only his wife can do that, in Dubai.

The true name of what we incorrectly call, Bakistan. Since all Bakistani Muslims have Arab ancestry and the Arabs cannot pronounce ‘P’, make sure you don’t either. Those who do, their tongues should be flogged by miniature whips made with the skin of male baby camels.

A family name that is to be praised – but only if he or she is dead. Otherwise, to be castigated just for the heck of it.

Be sure to put Shaheed (martyr) in front of the name of this late former prime minister of Bakistan, in spite of the fact that you were calling her a ‘sell-out’ and ‘corrupt’ only a few hours before her assassination in December 2007.

The notorious Amreekan security firm which is responsible for each and every suicide blast in Bakistan in the last five years. It might also be behind the spread of Congo and dengue fevers in the country, and the death of your neighbourhood cat.
You must talk about the cat on your show. Especially if you are Namehram Bokhari.
‘Tell me, Mr. Rehman Malik, why has the government remained quiet about the death of the cat?’
‘It’s just a neighbourhood cat!’
‘No, you are saying this because Blackwater is now killing all our stray cats!’
‘Not really.’
‘How can you say that?’‘Well, you’re still here.’

The more illiterate you are about the constitution the more you should talk about it. Makes you sound democratic.

Something only for Muslim males to do on Bakistani channels.  But if performed by a woman should be instantly analysed by you on your show. You can always put the blame of this cultural transgression on Blackwater, secularism, or better still, on Dr. Pervez Hoodbhoy’s physics classes at the Quaid-e-Azam University.

Unmanned Amreekan planes that bomb and kill militants and terrorists in northern Bakistan. Your line as TV anchor/host however should be: How dare they? If we can’t (or refuse) to do that, how can the filthy Amreekans? These attacks are an attack on our sovereignty. Those dying in the drone attacks are our brothers (albeit, with a short fuse and an unnerving tendency to blow themselves up every now and then in our mosques, shrines and bazaars). Yeah well, brothers, nevertheless.

Dr. A.Q. Khan
Bakistan’s favourite scientist and father of the country’s nuclear bomb. Was accused by Musharraf and the Amreekans for selling nuclear technology to rogue states. TV anchors/hosts should defend him to the hilt. Because in reality, he is an old, harmless petite Bakistani who went to Holland on a harmless tulip-farming course when he was kidnapped by Blackwater agents for attempting to steal uranium-laced fertilizer. He was then handed over to Amreekan slaves in Bakistan who put him under house arrest for 11,000 years and took away all his gardening tools which he was about to sell to harmless gardeners in Iran, North Korea and Libya. Oh, the outrage, the outrage, revolution, revolution, Allah-ho-Akbar, Allah-ho-Akbar …

Language of the Amreekans and other farangies. Fanatical and bigoted Bakistani televangelists should use it to sound ‘educated’ and so should rabid, right-wing TV anchors to sound ‘objective.’

Since entertainment in Bakistan means watching loud mudslinging matches on talk shows, you as an anchor/host should make sure there is as much entertainment in your show as possible – preferably at the expense of someone else’s reputation.

Deadly fighter jets expensively bought from Amreekans but converted to Islam by late mujahid, Zia-ul-Haq.

Freedom of the Media
The freedom to say 2+2=5 and ridiculing, and attacking those who think otherwise. Damn those anti-media punks!

Hamid Gul
A retired, senile reactionary Army man and ISI sleuth who has gained more recognition by appearing on TV talk shows than he did for taking part in the mujahidin war against the Soviet Union.

Scheming vermin who are oppressing Muslims in India and always planning to break up Bakistan. However, it is okay if a channel blasts these idol-worshiping pests, following that by the latest news from Bollywood

Imran Khan
Every TV anchor/host should make sure to have Imran Khan on his/her show at least thrice a week.  Apart from the fact that this very busy politician seems always to be available, his political knowledge and animated rants can make even the most idiotic talk show host sound like a genius. Also, this brave anti-West and anti-imperialistic revolutionary can help you get a UK visa faster than you can say ‘down with the Queen!

A jihad is how the present-day Bakistani TV journalist/anchor/host sees his duty. Especially a jihad against ‘corruption’ (ala Aaj Drama Khan kay saath). Such a jihad will not only book your place in paradise and make you popular, but it will also raise the ratings of your show and land you a big fat salary. See this as God’s (tax-free) blessing. By God, I mean God and not your saith.

A Bakistani political party formed by the media. Expected to eradicate corruption, crime, obscenity, secularism, politicians, polio, malaria and petty traffic violations.

Kerry-Lugar Bill
An Amreekan aid bill no Bakistani host/anchor has read but readily and negatively comments upon. Which is fine, since it was the Army generals who didn’t like the ‘tone’ of the bill. TV anchor Namehram Bokhari found it particularly rude, and in protest sent imperialistic Amreekans Kerry and Lugar the bill for her latest Louis Vuitton handbag. Yeah, baby.

Lal Masjid
A red-coloured mosque in Islamabad that was brutally stormed and attacked by Musharraf’s Army. There was nothing unusual in the mosque. It had what most such mosques and madrassas usually have – i.e., civilians, ulema, students, clergymen, militants, guns, bombs, danda-carrying burqa-clad women, etc.
It was a tragedy that TV anchors/hosts must never forget. According to Sansar Abbasi 4,777 people were killed in the action. Though he was blinded by tear gas while counting the dead, but that did not affect the gallant journalist’s counting abilities.
‘1, 2, 10, 100, *cough* … 277, 1001, *cough, cough* …1,779 … outrage, outrage!’

An amicable military man who became a blundering dictator and then de-evolved into becoming a babbling buffoon. The babbling buffoon part would have been best served had he become a TV talk show host instead.

News anchors who say ‘Allah hafiz’ instead of ‘Khuda Hafiz.’

An animated alliance of bold hosts/anchors who find the conventional parliamentary opposition parties too soft (on Zardari that is, not the Taliban). They are our brothers, y’know.

Opposition political party headquartered in various ‘objective’ news channels. It’s motto: Jeeo aur jeenain doh.

Anyone who did not take Junaid Jamshed and Sahir Lodhi’s Ramzan shows seriously.

As a talk show host, be sure to be as contradictory and vague about the Taliban as possible.
‘Taliban are Zionist/Amreekan/Hindu implants. No wait, actually they are our brothers. No wait, they are Bakistanis seeking revenge for drone attacks. No, actually they are foreigners posing as Muslims. No, they are just misguided Muslims. No wait, they are uncircumcised anti-Islam brutes. No wait, they are men whose families got killed by Army operation. No wait, they are Blackwater agents. No wait …
However, be sure to be totally single-minded, focused and constant about the following guy … he doesn’t bite back.

  The title of this article has been slightly modified from the original.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Greg Mortenson in Garam Hamam

Soon after Greg Mortenson was put in a garam hamam by a 60-minutes CBS attack, Jon Krakeuer quickly followed with an 80-page PDF attack. In the hot tub, it appears as if Greg is struggling to find the faucet marked with the blue letter C.

To be honest, I am as bewildered about all this as anyone else. I couldn't bring myself to a conclusion about him, with all the good that I know about him and all the bad that I am reading about him. In the two attacks mentioned earlier, Greg is accused from two dimensions: 1. Fabrication and exaggeration of certain events. 2. Mishandling of funds (donations). Let's look at them one by one.

1. Fabrication and exaggeration: Greg probably thought that by making up or adding up certain events he could make Three Cups of Tea interesting, and considering how awfully Relin has written the book, it is safe to say that he was right. The nobility and drama of the story [and not the "catchy" writing of it] was the reason why it became an NYT Bestseller, and thus, a very important tool in inspiring people, who then donated magnanimously. The huge sums of donations were then used to build schools in more than just Baltistan. Had Greg been completely honest in his recounting of the actual events, it is likely that 3CT would have been less than an NYT Bestseller,  in that case, the book would have circulated less, and inspired fewer people. This raises a question though, Should one lie for a good cause? or, If you can lie and help needy people, without actually harming someone, should you? I think Greg's answer would be Yes. Greg's lies have arguably played an important role in touching people's hearts. At times, in 3CT he has made some people appear really nice, peaceful and loving; the people that they are. On other occasions, he has made some people appear simply spiteful; the people that may become. By creating the contrast between the two 'types' of people, and suggesting what can be done to prevent the former type from becoming the latter, Greg makes a point. May be Greg did not actually go through what he says, but, it is not something that cannot happen. You can absolutely be taken a guest for cups of tea in Baltistan, and you can be taken a hostage in North Waziristan on your bad day. What I think Greg's point was is that such things happen in this part of the world. Nice people exist here, who, if not given proper education, may become the not-so-nice type courtesy the extremists. If he had just told such-such things happen here, it wouldn't have had that-impact on the readers, and that-impact on readers was very important, so he lied, and made that-impact. His lies, didn't harm any, but helped many.

2. Mishandling of funds: This is where it starts to get confusing. My justification for his lies in 3CT kinda weakens here. If the figures Jon in his 80-page attack and CBS through their 60-minutes attack given are true, then it is likely that the extra donation raised because of the lies in his books is being wasted extravagantly on purposes other than the original one. It is also possible that the money spent extravagantly on Greg's personal may even be more than the contribution of the lies. In a way, his lies helped himself, regardless of what his initial intention was. After reading Jon's 80-page article, even an extremely optimistic person cannot help but believe that Greg is a terrible manager of finances and human resource. A number of staff members, board directors and field supervisors alike, have resigned from Central Asia Institute because of Greg's nonchalance, lack of trust, negligence towards communicating, and other key shortcomings an organizational chief shouldn't have. His team of managers in Pakistan primarily consists of people he acquainted on his climbing-related tour of the area. People he befriended during his early few years in the region became the project managers in the subsequent years. Ultimately, CAI in Pakistan was being run by either uneducated or insufficiently educated individuals with no experience in the field of education development. What I am sure of these managers and supervisors is that they considered themselves lucky to have jobs like that, and therefore, they didn't question/contradict/suggest Greg, instead, they duly obliged. This duly obedience and yes-sir sub-ordination kept Greg content, and in illusion that all-is-well. While these managers, inapt, at times did not take necessary measures that were required. This lead to some schools turning into ghost schools, as Jon refers to them  in his 80-page PDF attack. 

It must be awful to be Greg right now. With so many allegations, and a cardiovascular surgery coming up, I can hardly put myself in his shoes. I believe Greg's intentions were not ill, however, his management was flawed. I think Greg should come to the media, and tell people that his management style has failed, not his mission. He should apologize to his donors, to gain back the trust. He may also want to apologize to the people who he showed off as Taliban while in reality they had hosted him. He should then hire personnel with relevant expertise, limit himself to one job (speaking at fund raising events) and better master at one level than failing at many.

I want to make it clear that I am an admirer of Greg Mortenson and his mission, even after reading the 80-page anti-Greg article by Jon Krakeuer which may dent the trust of many on Greg. By writing this piece, I do not automatically imply that I find it truthful, I hope the  allegations are false. But if they are true, this is what I would think. 

Author: Sajid I. Barcha.